One small moment in my life lead me to this point where I can honestly say that I am ecstatic about the progress I've made, content with where I am and thrilled about what's next on the horizon.
Really, it wasn't the one moment itself. It was how I reacted to it that made the change. But, that's true for all moments.
Let's go back a little bit.
As a teen and even well into my 20s, I was full of negativity. Hate. Anger. Rage. Loathing. Resentment. I'd been abused or abandoned by some of those closest to me and by myself too. My only goal was to die.
I was suicidally depressed, vomiting blood regularly, had severe panic attacks multiple times each day and was generally miserable.
Prescription medication made me feel numb, which isn't helpful for someone who's struggling not to kill themselves. So I was self-treating, if you can call it that, with horrible food, bad relationships, cutting and a litany of other self-destructive behaviors.
By the time I was 27, I realized I was a complete failure at suicide. I was failing at a lot of things. Including pretending that everything was fine and I was all better. I was anything but.
Then, I had the immense privilege of being present for my oldest niece's first moments outside the womb. This is where we find the moment that turned my life around.
When I saw B's face for the first time and her little hand squeezed my finger, I was hooked. For the first time, I understood how "happy" felt. I had read the dictionary definition before, but I didn't get it.
I actually felt happy. In that one tiny moment, I thought of all the amazing things she could become. I desperately wanted to be there to see that growth and to help her cultivate it so that she didn't end up like me.
Years and lots of hard work later ...
Today, I'm a completely different person. I'm happy most of the time. My life is so much healthier in every way. I have pages and pages of goals now. Many of which I've already achieved. I've changed from being centered on my own misery, to being willing to break all the rules and share my experience freely and openly in the hopes that it benefits you.
I didn't use drugs to make this change. No one cut me open and altered my insides. I didn't use any new, fancy, ground-breaking technology. There were plenty of dramatic shifts, but they all happened by making one decision at a time to move in a new direction. It became a natural transformation to a better version of me.
Here's the thing. This isn't a gift that's unique to me. You can overcome similar or more significant obstacles, I have no doubt. You're quite likely able do it in a more natural way too.
At the very least, doing work on your inner self and beliefs, in tandem with any other treatment gives you a greater shot at success. After all, if you only update the bathrooms of your home and leave that 80s kitchen, can you really say the house has been remodeled?
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